holly jolly silent night

Any red-blooded Christmas fan knows this to be true:

elf

I love Christmas songs more than most songs. I say this collectively, generally, with “Christmas songs” being one big lump of songs I love.

Of course, there are some terrible songs in that lump.

Let’s explore them now.

In no particular order, here they are: the WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER!

(Might this offend you? It’s possible. I love Jesus and I love Christmas and I love you, so let’s embrace our differences and chuckle for a minute, mmk?)

Do You Hear What I Hear?

First of all, this title is too long and it is a question, which makes it hard to say. “What’s your favorite Christmas song?” “Do you hear what I hear?” “Umm… no?” It’s a more personal question than “What Child is This?” another Christmas song with a question-asking title. (Though it should be noted I dig this song, and not only because it was my first opportunity to publicly say “ass” as a child. Yeah, it meant donkey. I was the kind of rebel who only rebelled by smirking slightly when singing the word “ass” in church.)

“Do You Hear What I Hear?” is essentially a game of telephone that starts with the wind (of course) talking to a sheep (with you so far) who passes along that message to an actual human boy (who apparently speaks lamb) who somehow immediately gets an appointment with the King, who broadcasts the news to his people. The wind couldn’t just talk to the King? I mean, the boy got in to see him no problem. Or perhaps the wind could directly tell the news of baby Jesus to the people? Unless the wind can only communicate with sheep. Can all shepherds talk to their sheep as well? If so, I feel like the wind could have just spoken to the boy and left the middle animal out of it. THIS SONG CREATES SO MANY QUESTIONS. Also all of the echos makes it sound like it’s the background music in a weird and spooky cave. No. No.

Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg

If you haven’t heard this song because you don’t obsessively listen to STAR 105.7, I’ll give you a moment to listen to this monstrosity on your own: Same Old Lang Syne.

Are you done? Great. Whether or not you listened to it just now, here’s a sample of the lyrics. This is LITERALLY HOW THIS “CHRISTMAS SONG” OPENS:

Met my old lover in the grocery store / The snow was falling Christmas Eve / I stood behind her in the frozen foods / And I touched her on the sleeve.

THE FIRST STANZA OF THIS CHRISTMAS SONG REFERS TO FROZEN FOODS, THE SADDEST OF ALL FOODS.

The song goes on very much in this manner for about fourteen minutes. Or six. Far too long for a melancholy Christmas song. Here’s your summary: ex lovers meet at a grocery store. They go through the check out stand together. They talk. They laugh. Talking gets awkward so they decide to go for a beer. They have a super depressing conversation about their lives. They part. The snow turns into rain.

??????????

I admit, there’s some hardcore torch song beauty there, but when you sandwich this sappy melodrama in between “HAUL OUT THE HOLLY!” and “ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,” this song feels like a stray skittle in a bowl of m&m’s. 0/10 would not recommend.

Santa Baby

Please, I beg of you, don’t sexualize Santa.

The fact that he’s married still somewhat traumatizes me. I prefer to think of him as celibate even in marriage; better yet, I prefer to not think of his personal life at all. He delivers toys and eats cookies. As far as I’m concerned, Mrs. Claus only exists to make sure he takes his heart medication and likely to remind him where he left his boots and Santa hat (of course Santa has a specific place he should put them, but does he ever put them there? NO).

Come and trim my Christmas tree… NO. NO. NO.

(Yes she’s asking for decorations from Tiffany & Co. on her tree. Maybe I’m the only one making up all of the double entendre and it’s really just a simple song about a woman asking for a bunch of high-end presents.)

(…maybe.)

Mary, Did You Know?

I realize I could get a little heat for this one. I know people love it. They LOVE it.

I’m sorry, I… don’t.

This isn’t the Christian equivalent of the big Sixth Sense plot twist. BRUCE WILLIS WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME / THE BABY WAS GOD THE WHOLE TIME! No. I mean, if it was a total surprise to Mary, I could see some relevance here.

Mary: Heeeeey Joseph, so I know we haven’t “laid together,” but turns out I am “with child?” Like, that’s so weird, right?

(Thirty-three years and three days later)

Mary and Joseph: SAY WHAAAAAAAAT?!?

OK, so this song doesn’t just refer to Jesus’ death and resurrection. It lists many of his miracles and asks Mary if she knew he’d “give sight to a blind man” and “calm the storm with his hand.” To be fair, she may not have known these specifics. Here’s what she did know: An ANGEL appeared to her to tell her she was pregnant. An angel. Not a Clear Blue digital pregnancy test. An angel. And the angel said that Mary’s baby would be “great” and “called the Son of the Most High,” and that his kingdom would “never end.”

Please note the angel did NOT say “you will straight up birth this child next to a cow.” I mean, if there’s anything that would come as a surprise to Mary, I think it’d be the barn delivery. Mary, did you know… that your water will break… next to sheep and donkeys…

In short, I leave you with this meme:

mary

All right dear readers who didn’t get so offended that they stopped reading halfway through — thanks for sticking it out. I hope whatever music you’re listening to right now brings you nothing but joy. Even if it’s a sappy Christmas soap opera. Or an elongated musical question Luke 1 quite succinctly answers. Or if you (gasp!) aren’t even listening to Christmas music at all. You do you. You’re the best at it.

 

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