on being premeditated

I recently ended a month-long fast from social media. I didn’t do any blogging, and facebook-liking, any tweeting, any impulse-buying (OK, I didn’t do any impulse-buying from ads on social media sites, ok?). As a planner, here is what I planned to happen during this break.

Avocado toast, coffee, and devotions: essentially every one of my January mornings. (Not pictured: screaming, naked toddler.)

I was going to be in the Bible and deeply in prayer every day.
I was going to write everyday.

I was going to go to bed early, wake up early, work out regularly, and embrace the full glorious effects of my peak physical health.

I was going to feel God lead my writing and my thinking in ways I never had before. 

I was going to be sick for the first three weeks or so and hate everything — oh wait.

So I didn’t plan for #5, but I did cling desperately to #1 and at least half of #4. I spent the first two and a half weeks of 2017 with a sinus infection that eagerly sucked the life out of me. As soon as that cleared itself (with the help of powerful antibiotics), I got the stomach flu and took several days to stop feeling quesy and tired. I cried out and prayed and asked, “WHY, GOD?! WHY NOW?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE PRODUCTIVE WHEN I CAN BARELY FUNCTION?”
And simply, in God-like fashion, He replied, “it takes little energy to read.”

So I read the Bible. I read news articles in as unbiased a way as I possibly could (away from the comment-happy users of the internet and with a grain of salt for the human writer). I prayed. I looked at my computer, sitting very unused, and tried to get my brain to make think of something interesting I could write down. 

After I while, I complained to my mom about my lack of inspiration. Apparently I had forgotten about God’s command to read, and He felt it necessary to remind me through her words. “Maybe it’s better for you to listen right now,” she said, and of course, she was right.

All of the listening and all of the reading have led me to this place: I cannot give up being premeditated. I crave a plan, a schedule, a list. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. But as a person who desires a relationship with God, I need to give up control. I need to give up my plans.

So, going forward, I have a new definition for “premeditated” — to plan ahead and be filled with grace. Grace to accept plans falling apart. Grace to allow myself to write and share thoughts that may be disliked by others; grace to be at peace with that. 

So, as I mentioned in a post yesterday, going forward, here is the new Premeditated Mama plan: Mondays are for “deep thoughts” — be they outright political or hard and uncomfortable, like being a mom in the hard times, living with depression and anxiety, or whatever else God puts on my heart. Thursdays are for “light thoughts” — like how to deal with your constantly naked toddler or your attitude-developing elementary student. The main thing I want to get across is that we are all in this together. My words aren’t law. Yours probably aren’t either. But I want us to make this tiny little corner of the internet a safe space for opinions, for discussions, for community.

So with that, I’m signing off from my last Wednesday post. Thanks for being on this journey with me – and I’ll see you on Monday!

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